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VAWAWAWA: FEDERAL LAW FINALLY CATCHES UP WITH
REALITY
Congressional
sources have revealed some significant changes
will be made to federal domestic violence laws.
Bowing to pressure from men's rights groups who
for years have claimed that the Federal Violence
Against Women Act (VAWA) is biased against men,
congressional leaders will soon announce a
revamping of this legislation.
In recognition of the fact that there may be a
few men out there who get beaten up by their
wives but are too ashamed to admit it, the
Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) will be
renamed the Violence Against Women and Wimps and
Wussies Act (VAWAWAWA).
To ensure the non-bias of federal law and quell
any further criticism by men's rights activists,
a separate law serving male victims will also be
enacted called Violence On Men - It's Token
(VOMIT).
VOMIT earmarks 2.5 hundred dollars ($250.00)
annually to fund a domestic violence hotline for
male victims: 1-800-IMAWUSS. A recorded message
will direct the caller to stop blubbering and
get back to work you pathetic whiner. The bill
will also cover funding needed to scrawl the
hotline number on bathroom stalls in sports
arenas, bowling alleys and pool halls in 15
locations across the country.
Pursuant to the Equal Protection Clause of the
14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, all
victims are equal, but some victims are more
equal than others. Therefore, VAWAWAWA programs
will be available to ALL victims of domestic
violence, provided they meet stringent
eligibility standards.
Called Qualified Victims of Domestic Violence
(or QVDV's), all QVDV's must meet the following
criteria:
1. Membership in a traditionally oppressed
group, e.g.
Women
Black Women
Hispanic Women
Asian Women
Eskimo Women
Republican Women (including any member of a
women's group designated by the term "ladies
auxiliary" to an exclusively male fraternal
organization)
Gay Men
Heterosexual Men who have been assaulted by a
female will not be disqualified merely because
of their gender and sexual orientation. However,
QVDV status can provisionally be granted only to
men who admit they are the REAL abuser and that
their long-term pattern of abuse, power and
control over their female partner finally drove
her to snap and lash out violently at him, but
that he could not possibly have been hurt by it.
QVDV status will be conditioned upon the man's
entry into a 5-year Batterer's Treatment and
Re-Education Program.
2. Desire and ability to be permanently defined
by membership in a victim class. Any QVDV who
subsequently elevates himself/herself beyond
victim status will lose QVDV eligibility for 3
years or until victim identity again becomes the
person's overriding defining characteristic. If
any question about the mandatory predominance of
victim identity arises, QVDV status will be
maintained so long as the person continually
refers to himself/herself as a "domestic
violence survivor" and to the perpetrator of
abuse as "my abuser," regardless of how minor
the abuse or how remote in time it may have
occurred. Note: being subjected to actual
violence is not required; it is sufficient that
a person believe he or she is a victim to
qualify as a QVDV. Hence "I THINK I am a victim,
therefore, I AM a victim."
3. Ability to maintain membership in a
constituent group willing to line up at the
federal trough for perpetual subsidy and
pandering by opportunistic politicians.
4. Zombie-like capacity to accept without
question politically-correct dogma and crackpot
theories with the intellectual depth of a
bicycle bumper sticker, dispensed by leftist
sociology departments of ivy league
universities.
5. Willingness to be perpetually exploited by
self-serving professional victim pimps whose
only agenda is to increase their own wealth,
power, and influence.
6. Willingness to sacrifice his/her
independence, freedom, and autonomy to all
manner of victim advocates, social workers,
psychologists, psychiatrists and other
know-it-all elitists for the rest of his/her
hopelessly dependent and pathetic life.
Periodic QVDV requalification will not be
required, however, QVDV status shall be
immediately revoked upon credible allegation of
any of the following:
-Attendance at any Republican or Libertarian
Party function, real estate investment seminar,
or Amway convention
-Listening to, reading, or agreeing with
conservative or libertarian commentators
-Subscribing to Reason, Skeptical Inquirer or
Martha Stewart Living magazines
-Worshiping at any non-qualifying religious
denomination (consult Federal Register Titles
3-24 for list of non-approved religious
organizations)
-Support of tax cuts at any level of government,
whether federal, state or local
-Self-employment (except for any psycho-social
profession)
-Membership in any heavy industrial trade union
-Firearms possession or ownership, NRA
membership, and/or expressed willingness to
utilize self-defense when physically threatened
-Belief in a Higher Power, higher even than the
Federal Government, the ACLU, Trial Lawyers, or
vacuous Hollywood celebrities with brains of
oatmeal
The legislative changes were prompted by
lobbying efforts of a secretive new organization
called CLAW: THE CENTER FOR LEGAL ADVANCEMENT OF
WEAKNESS. Sources have learned that CLAW is an
advocacy group for the protection and
perpetuation of victims and victimhood. CLAW's
Mission Statement sums up its core agenda:
"When there are no victims, there are no
abusers. When there are no abusers, there are no
bogeymen. When there are no bogeymen, there are
no politicians drumming up hysteria that only
drastic government intervention can abate. Save
the Victims."
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Copyright © 2006-2011 Lisa Scott. All Rights Reserved.
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