TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT A DV PERP TREATMENT SESSION

10. Man, I never knew disagreeing with my wife was domestic violence.

9. Guard, can I get a hall pass to go to the restroom?

8. There's no excuse for DV, except when a woman hits a man because she thinks he's having an affair with a barista at the peek-a-boo espresso stand.

7. Who's that guy over there cowering on the floor in the fetal position? Oh, it's Alexander Solzhenitsyn!

6. If DV is all about power and control, why isn't my wife here?!

5. I need help writing my accountability letter. Is "Lindberg baby killer" hyphenated?

4. How did Richard Simmons get in here?

3. Could I get a transfer to Guantanamo Bay?

2. Is it DV if I beat my own head against the wall?

1. If I just go get neutered, can I get out of this nightmare?