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The New Dissolution Forms Are Here: Goody!
The new dissolution of marriage
forms are here, provided as a public service to
you, the lucky litigants, by your state court
administrator. These forms are for Washington
State only. Your state's forms may differ, so
check your local laws.
For years, divorce forms have been
gender-neutral, the only gender references being
"husband" and "wife." Recognizing that virtually
all woman are victims of domestic violence (95
per cent), and all men are abusers (100 per
cent), it was time the forms were updated to
deal with this reality. Last year our state
legislature passed important legislation to
allow the forms to be changed. The legislative
findings are as follows:
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury
to women ages -3 months to age 100. Domestic
violence (DV) is also the leading cause of
warts, rashes, bad breath, incontinence, foot
fungus, restless leg syndrome, hypochondria, and
victimization. 99.9 per cent of women admitted
to hospital emergency rooms (1) agree that DV is
bad, and (2) are, or could be, victims of DV (.1
per cent were cross-dressers so they don't
count). Ninety per cent of women live in terror
that their husbands will abuse them when they
find out that she drove the car 30 miles with no
oil in the engine. The remaining 10 per cent are
not allowed to drive. The State Legislature
prides itself on changing entrenched, antiquated
laws, such as the "Rule of Thumb" which
purportedly allowed a husband to beat his wife
so long as he used a stick no larger than his
thumb. While this particular law has been
debunked by serious researchers, further
research into English common law has uncovered
other rules that we now declare null and void:
Rule of Elbow
Rule of Nostril
Rule of Buttock
The Legislature does not intend to abrogate any
right to self-defense undertaken by a woman
against the man, whether using weapons or not.
Therefore, the following rules are declared
still in effect:
Rule of Lee Press-On Nails
Rule of Canine Teeth
Rule of Knee in Groin |
With this enabling legislation now in effect, we
unveil the following new forms:
If you are a woman, here's your form:
IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF WASHINGTON _________
COUNTY
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In Re the
Marriage of
___________________
[Name]
Woman/Victim
and
___________________
[Name]
Man/Perpetrator/Abuser
_________________________ |
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No.
PETITION FOR DISSOLUTION
OF MARRIAGE
(PETDISSVICTIM) |
I. BASIS
The following abuse has been perpetrated by the
abuser male against the victim female:
[ ] Hitting
[ ] Pushing
[ ] Kicking
[ ] Shoving
[ ] Slapping
[ ] While Pregnant
[ ] While Not Pregnant
[ ] While Thinking About Becoming Pregnant
[ ] Threats
[ ] Yelling
[ ] Snarling
[ ] Evil Looks
[ ] Evil Thoughts
[ ] Just Being There
[ ] Leaving Cap Off Toothpaste
[ ] Leaving Toilet Seat Up
[ ] Smelly Socks
[ ] Smelly Underwear
[ ] Smelly Ear
[ ] Being a Bully
[ ] Being a Wuss
[ ] Laughing Inappropriately
[ ] Crying Inappropriately
[ ] No Emotion
[ ] Child Abuse
[ ] Sexual Abuse
[ ] Animal Abuse
[ ] Sexual Abuse of Animals
[ ] Mammal
[ ] Hoofed Mammal
[ ] Other
[ ] Being Too Controlling
[ ] Being Too Distant
[ ] Controlling Finances
[ ] Neglecting Finances
[ ] Forcing Spouse to Balance Checkbook and Not
Bounce Checks
[ ] Wanting Too Much Sex
[ ] Wanting Too Little Sex
[ ] Objecting When Wife Has Sex with Mailman
II. RELIEF REQUESTED
The petitioner REQUESTS the court to enter a
decree of dissolution and to grant the relief
requested below.
[ ] Humiliation
[ ] Stern Warning
[ ] Deportation
[ ] Prison Term
[ ] County Jail
[ ] State Pen
[ ] Arctic Ice Floe
[ ] Restraining Order
[ ] Retraining Order
[ ] Housetraining Order
[ ] Sole Custody of Children
[ ] No Visitation
[ ] Visitation Once
[ ] Child Support: 100 per cent of his income
[ ] Property: 100 per cent
[ ] Debt: 0 per cent
[ ] Maintenance: Lifetime (mine, not his)
[ ] Attorneys Fees
[ ] Unreasonable
[ ] Outrageous
[ ] Bankruptcy-Inducing
[ ] Other: I'm Thinking
Dated: _________.
____________________________
____________________________
Attorney for Petitioner
WSBA # __________
I declare under penalty of perjury under the
laws of the State of Washington that the
foregoing is true and correct.
Signed at Bellevue, Washington on _____________.
__________________________
__________________________
Petitioner
If you are a man, here's your form:
IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF WASHINGTON _________
COUNTY
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In Re the
Marriage of
___________________
[Name]
Man
Abuser/Adulterer/
Low-Life Scum
and
___________________
[Name]
Woman
Innocent Victim of
His Abuse and Neglect
_________________________ |
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No.
PETITION FOR DISSOLUTION
OF MARRIAGE
(PETDISSABUSER) |
I. BASIS
It's all my fault.
II. RELIEF REQUESTED
Give her everything.
Dated: _________.
____________________________
____________________________
Attorney for Petitioner
WSBA # __________
I declare under penalty of perjury under the
laws of the State of Washington that the
foregoing is true and correct.
Signed at Bellevue, Washington on _____________.
__________________________
__________________________
Petitioner
FOR ADDITIONAL FORMS:
Women: You must obtain forms through one of
hundreds of Taxpayer-Funded Domestic Violence
Programs (free of charge, of course; forms
already conveniently filled out).
Dial 1-800-GET-ITAL.
Men: You must obtain forms through a high-priced
attorney for whatever they fleece you for.
Dial 1-800-GIV-ITUP.
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Copyright © 2006-2011 Lisa Scott. All Rights Reserved.
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